Middleman
by MissCrookedSmile
Summary: Superman has a private dilemma he really wants to discuss with Batman. But Batman isn't the easiest person to talk to about these sorts of things!


He already knew what was up when Superman knocked before entering. The door was open, meaning the only reason the Kryptonian would knock would be to start a tough conversation. Batman of course did not so much a turn around to bit him welcome. He focused all his attention on the sample, which he hoped would not turn blue in 12 seconds or less.

"Hey… You working?" Superman tried awkwardly.

7… 6… 5…

"Of course you are. Why else would you be here… And you are always working anyway, so…"

2… 1… Green! Perfect.

"I should probably just go…"

"Close the door behind you." Batman demanded abruptly, finally responding to his friend's talk.

Superman just pressed his lips together and nodded, ending his movement with a disappointed "Sure thing". But before he got to the other side of the exit, Batman added:

"With you being on this side of it." He then sat down in his chair and turned around to get eye contact with the nervous hero.

Superman looked baffled but did as asked. He was so surprised by this response that Batman felt obliged to start:

"You clearly want to talk to me about something. Something of a private matter."

Superman began scratching the back of his head and stared intensely at his boots. This could take a while…

Batman decided to share his analysis of the situation to speed things along. If he were to follow the pace of "the man of tomorrow", he would be stuck here all day listening to clumsy conversation starters.

"You know I am not working on any difficult cases at the moment, because you checked with Oracle before you came in here, who of course had to check with me before being able to give you a proper update. I know for a fact that you are not busy saving the world, because then you wouldn't be here. I also know, because of your insufferable attempt at chit chat, that whatever you are going to ask me has a personal importance to you. It still, however, is something you feel uneasy talking to Bruce Wayne about, since you didn't contact me at the manor."

He leaned forward while looking the amazed hero right in the eyes: "I can see that I am right so far."

He chose to continue:

"So - something of a personal importance to you to which you need Batman's expertise and a discussion forum on common grounds in order to feel safe talking about it. It cannot be a common health problem, because you would have gone to Star Labs for that. It cannot be any problem in your emotional life either, because, face it, I would be the last person with the ability to solve that kind of a situation for you." Batman paused to take a sip of his cold coffee, one he regretted instantly, and then examined his friend's facial expression and posture. "But it has something to do with those two topics, hasn't it?"

No matter how many times Superman saw him do that, it still amazed him. Luckily the scrutiny was most often directed at someone else. This was actually quite unpleasant… He ran a hand through his hair and over his neck while he tried to avoid Batman's glare.

"Well…"

Batman waited. He chose to let his friend ask him himself. The analysis should have given him the push he needed.

"I'm sorry. This is harder to talk about than I expected."

That was a lie. He had gathered courage to bring this topic up for weeks, dreading the moment from when the thought first occurred to him.

"But yes. This is very personal and it has something to do with my health. So to speak…"

When silence filled the room again, Batman renegotiated his original decision. Perhaps Clark needed a kick more than a push?

"How long have you and Lois been trying?"

Superman starred at him with his mouth open. "How did you? … I mean…" Batman just nonchalantly waved his hand through the air.

"World's greatest detective and all that. Please answer the question."

"Six, perhaps seven months?" Clark estimated, still shocked but also relieved. Talking about his and Lois' attempt to create a family would undoubtedly link up with talking about his and Lois' sex life – something his Kansas -upbringing never did prepare him for.

"That's not that long. Why the worry?" Batman said as he took the role of the comforting friend.

"Well…" Superman tried again. The question demanded details he wasn't sure he was prepared to share with a teammate. Especially this particular teammate.

"One more 'well', and you walk out that door without getting my help. I may not be working on anything with a deadline, but there still is work to be done. I can't sit here listening to your staling all day."

The comforting friend was still Batman…

Superman broke the tension with a nervous laugh and his brilliant smile.

"Remind me to give Alfred a call and thank him for bringing you up to be as such a loving and understanding person."

"Staling!" Batman was beginning to lose his patience. "Do you really want me to start guessing?" The hero in the red cape hesitated just a few seconds too long, so Batman began listing possibilities, marking each with a raised finger:

"One: You're afraid your Kryptonian DNA cannot create new life when combined with human DNA. Two: You're afraid Lois won't be able to survive the pregnancy or birth of a half Kryptonian. Three: You fear that the child might become handicapped because of its genetic makeup."

"Well, I am _now_!" Superman proclaimed more worried than when he started. But that didn't stop Batman:

"Four: You are impotent and-"

"God no!"

That came out just a little too loud to be convincing, Clark admitted, so he tried again with a more subtle: "I mean, no… That is _not_ the problem. It's just…"

"Go on." Batman folded his hands and placed them in his lap. His friend had finally gotten the kick he needed. It just figures: Always go for pride!

"Okay, this is awfully private and it is going to sound crude and terrible," Batman was just about to interrupt again, but Superman ended his sentence just right: "but here it goes: I have not dared to… _fully_ make love to Lois, because I am afraid that might hurt her."

"And by fully, you mean…"

"I mean…" the Kansas boy looked with all his might to find a word that would describe the problem without getting too graphic: "finishing. I haven't dared to finish."

Batman tried to hide a crooked smile. It was more than amusing to see the world's savior, the largest and bravest man he had ever met, not having the guts to say "come".

"And Lois doesn't know?" That was a trick question. Of course she knew.

"I don't think so. We haven't really talked about it."

Even though Clark was too embarrassed to talk about these things, Lois would have no trouble addressing the problem. She even asked Batman once what kind of cup he had to wear to protect "his most precious equipment".

"I see. Than you have a whole other problem to address, but that isn't my concern."

Superman frowned, but before he was able to demand an explanation, Batman raised a hand and continued:

"I'll give it to you straight: I have had intercourse with a superhuman. As we both know, I am merely a man. I might be tougher than the average male, but my bones brake just as easily. And my worst injury isn't more than some pressed ribs and a sore pelvis." He let the crooked smile fill his whole face.

"I did not need to know that", Superman stated with a concerned look, trying desperately to suppress his curiosity.

Batman decided to pull back the cowl in order to look his worried friend straight in the eyes. After pulling his fingers through his black hair and resting his elbows on his knees, he made the conclusion Superman needed to hear.

"Clark. Trust me. As long as you focus somewhat on Lois, you are not going to kill her. And even if you hurt her, it's not going to cause her serious pain." He leaned back in his chair to enjoy the soon to come outraged look on Superman's face when he stated his finishing remark.

"If you're that afraid of crushing her, put her on top."

It didn't disappoint:

"For god's sake, Bruce! Don't talk about my wife like that!"

"I was just suggesting a pragmatic solution. Isn't that why you came to me with such a delicate matter?"

It was. Bruce was also the only one who knew Superman's secret identity as well as knew enough about Kryptonian and human physiology to make the proper judgment. That and he would be 100% discreet about the matter. Unfortunately, Clark still wasn't quite convinced:

"But you cannot compare your own experiences with this, Bruce. You are stronger and more agile than Lois. And even though you have been with other superhumans, you cannot have been with anyone with my strength and powers. I mean: We cannot know for sure whether there is a real chance I might hurt her severely, right?"

Bruce breathed out through his nose. Clark really was frightened, but it normally wasn't Bruce's job to calm people down. He did the only thing he could think of doing: He presented him with the facts.

"No." he began in a cold manner. "We cannot know for sure, because no Kryptonian has ever fulfilled a similar sexual act with an average human female before – or so I assume. But - " Superman looked hopeful: "- and I only tell you this because I fully trust we will keep this entire conversation behind closed doors -" the other hero nodded "- we do know for a fact that a human male can withstand intercourse with the strongest Amazonian female without getting any permanent damage. Even when the female experienced total loss of muscle control, the male was able to walk away with only a few bruises and minor injuries on his genitals."

Clark completely forgot about his own worries: "You and Diana?"

"It could have been any human male."

Bruce pulled up the cowl again to put some distance between them. That was also his way of telling Clark the conversation was soon to be over.

"We are not done talking about this, Bruce. Love within the team could jeopardize us all – you've said so yourself!"

"I never said anything about love between the male and the Amazone. And I think you have gotten all the facts you needed." He turned around. His brilliant mind was already busy elsewhere. One of his samples had turned blue after the countdown. This toxic was apparently more long lived than he had ever imagined.

Clark bid his tongue. He knew Batman only shared this secret with him because nothing else than a live example would suffice in calming his fears. He therefore decided to leave the matter for now and settled on asking a final question: "And she really didn't hurt you?"

Bruce put down the blue sample again and turned around one last time. He crossed his arms, knowing this would be the last piece of information Clark needed.

"Certain parts of my physique needed some recovering. But you have nothing to worry about. Lois doesn't have those parts."

Superman nodded silently. His worries were beginning to fade away. He imagined he would be more considerate than Diana in this particular matter, so Bruce might be right.

Batman leaned forward and placed a comforting hand on his friend's crossed arms.

"Go home, Clark. Be with your wife. You can always come back when you want me to do the first scanning of the kid."

Superman nodded again. This time while smiling.

Batman rolled his eyes: "And for god's sake close the door behind you before Flash comes in to get dating advice."

Superman couldn't help but to snicker. He paused again in the door, turning around to thank his friend for helping him with such a delicate issue, but Bruce of course wouldn't let him:

"All the way! I want lead-lined steel between us, Kryptonian."

Superman had barely done as told before Batman asked the computer to dial up an old friend. It went to voicemail and he decided to do his most cheerful Bruce Wayne, in case somebody else checked it:

"Hey Lois, this is Bruce. Just wanted to warn you: I talked to your reporter husband and he might soon find out that you have known his little secret for all six to seven months. Don't ask me how I know this. Just please talk to the guy. If you don't want it now, I'm sure he'll understand. Catch you later!"

He hung up only to find the rest of his samples had gotten blue as well. This was not his day…


End file.
